Today’s Blog of the Week (picked from a great selection on our Parent Bloggers Network) is from Katherine who blogs as Mummypinkwellies. Why do mums judge each other? Food for thought.
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Being a mum, to me, is the most important role I will ever play in my lifetime. The one job I always wanted to do, and obviously I want to do it right.
However, all mums (and dads for that matter) are thrown in at the deep end. You don’t have lessons at school on how to be a good parent, there’s no manual that shoots out of your birth canal between delivering your baby and your placenta, there’s no safety net training course you must do before you “get the job”! And yet we are overwhelmed by information, usually conflicting, on pretty much everything to do with parenthood.
Some mums, like me, do their research and then choose the way that works best for them. Others “wing it” and do whatever is best at the time and are far more organic in their approach. However, there is one thing it seems that all mothers have alike, and that is that all mums judge. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are some perfect mums out there who just get on with their own business and don’t judge others, I had hoped to be one of these. But apparently I am not!
What do mums judge each other for? I think the more appropriate question is what don’t we judge each other for?
Everything from method of feeding – breast or bottle?:
A friend of mine was pregnant, I met up with her and went shopping when she was 8 months gone, she was stocking up on formula. I asked her if she was going to try breastfeeding, she said no, she didn’t want to. I judged her.
To sleep training:
Another friend lets her baby cry himself to sleep every single night, no matter how long it takes. This little boy cries a lot during the day too. I judged her.
To breast feeding length:
Someone I know is still breastfeeding her 2 and a bit year old. I judged her.
To feeding your child “junk food”:
A lady I know regularly gives her 18 month old coca cola and chocolate. I judged her.
To how clean your house is:
Someone is coming round and I do a mad dash tidy and clean so they won’t judge me and my house.
And particularly on the NICU, mums really judged there. I really judged there. It doesn’t make me feel good when I look back at it.
How often different parents were at their child’s cot side.
Method of feeding, who was pumping who wasn’t.
I could go on.
But, what gives me the right to judge? I honestly didn’t think I’d be ‘that’ person, but I find I just can’t help myself. It’s like motherhood is a competition, a competition where the winner is the one that does it right.
Is the reason we judge others because we judge ourselves first? I am always sat thinking “am I doing this right?” “she’s doing it different to me, is her way better?” “I wonder if she thinks I’m doing this all wrong?” I project judgement of myself onto others, when half the time they’re probably really just getting on with their day, or horrors thinking the exact same things in reverse.
But who says what is right anyway? It seems there is no right and wrong way to do this. No one will give a definitive answer on most things, not even the NHS and our beloved Health Visitors. Some things are obvious, giving an 18 month old coca cola to drink can never be a wise move, but other questions such as how do I sleep train my child and how long should I breastfeed for, there are no final answers to. No one seems to know. Most resources say “do what feels right to you” or something along those lines.
We all want to be best at what we do, we constantly compare ourselves, consciously and unconsciously, to all mums we come across. All of our biases come from a need for reassurance. Maybe that’s why we judge then. Because we don’t know the right way to do it and it makes us feel better, in a sick kind of way, when we think we’re doing it right where other mums are doing it wrong.
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This topic crops up time and time again in our CoffeeHouse. Read more in this thread here on Netmums.
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sometimes its so hard not to compare or judge other mums!!! im having problems with my 32month old son speech yet from what i can see iv done nothing different to the other mums i know yet there kids you can hold a convo!!! its hard not to judge when u go into another home thats filthy as it brings alarm bells to the care of the child! overal though i think its natural and healthy to judge and compare as it keeps you on your toes in parenting, it opens your eyes to others skills you wouldnt have thought of even if you dont agree with them all! at the end of the day its your opinion and thoughts, you dont have to share your judgement with anyone!
What an honest blog post. I try and remind myself I am only seeing a bit of their lives, that they are likely to be doing their best and that if anything, they may need help, not judgement if the child looks unhappy or unhealthy. Although, I do sometimes judge I try not to! I think it is better not to feed kids junk, espcecially coke at a young age but it may be their birthday and the rest of the time they are really healthy. If the kids are overweight, often the parents need help not given a hard time. Bottle vs breast I don’t judge. Many people want to breast feed but can’t. Motherhood is hard enough without people judging how we do it. Sleeping and other parenting methods – there is no right way. We each have a different way that works the best for our child. There are some wrong ways though (the ones that harm the child). So I aim for “have an open mind about different approaches but support people if they need help”. And I ask for help when I need it so that other people are more likely to ask for help when they do.
I do think it’s good to look at what others are doing though – others can have good ideas which we can learn from.
I love this saying ” there are a million ways to be a good mum, but no way to be a perfect mum”.
Oh and cleanliness of house – if the children aren’t ill, then they are building immunity from a bit of dirt!
Im exactly the same, it started when my little girl was in my tummy.
My partners friend after two little girls on a daily basis and has been there since birth, wakes up with them, feeds them, clothes them so therefore acts as there mother. One that has just turned 2 and the other who is 3.
I can tell a big difference from the way she treats one to the other, dont get me wrong they are both spoilt rotten same toys, clothes ect.
But when the eldest does something wrong she gets shouted at and put on the naughty step, the younger one gets told but also laughed at. What’s that teaching? That the younger one is the most favourite. Yes the elder one can be a little terror sometimes, kicking and screaming but is that not because she can feel that she is not being treated the same? Her mum spends alot of time out or in bed so does that not give the child a bit of a reason to be a lil b**ch sometimes. Its attention seeking!! Give the girl attention!
Its kinda annoying to watch someone look after two girls that arent even hers and not getting paid.
Another thing, they both eat sweets, drink lots of pop. Infact they sometimes have a sip of coffee.
The other day the youngest hit her older sister giving her a black eye but didnt stop hitting, when she got told off, to go on the naughty step they shouted 1, 2 before the finished counting to 3 the child replied 3 f**k off!
Now after seeing all of this and hearing i no longer judge as much with other mothers.
I must be doing an okay job as my little one has never heard such things, infact i hope she never will. Not saying im the mother of the year but a good routine, manners and enough play and love should be all x x
I think NICU taught me not to judge. I remember one day there was a mum who was thrown out of the room whilst they worked on her baby. No one explained anything to her, or comforted her. She was treated like a piece of dirt. I walked up to her, scooped my arm around her shoulders, sat her down with me and my baby and just chatted. I explained a bit about how the unit worked, and because they were doing x rays, she couldn’t be in the room. She was much calmer once she understood the reason.
When I was in that situation I always had full explanations, and someone to talk to. She didn’t. Why not? Because she was a 19 year old crack addict. One of the nurses came up to me afterwards and said “thank you” for looking after her, but did I know why she was there? I looked at this nurse steely eyed and said “yes because her baby has been born at 27 weeks, just like mine and she is scared witless like the rest of us. Who knows if the baby’s prematurity is related to her lifestyle, you don’t I don’t so don’t judge”.
Judgement, sometimes, is necessary and its a good thing. At other times its unhelpful and we don’t always know the full story.
your compassion overwhelms me (hormones lol) I am glad there are people like you out there. We can’t judge as we havn’t walked a day in that persons shoes!! xx
it’s simply human nature to judge, regardless of the reasoning behind it. Anyone who says they don’t judge is in denial. Be it behaviour, race, sexuality or appearance. Judging isn’t a bad thing. It’s what you do with that judgement that determines your character.
Ere-ere!!..
To make ourselves feel better!!… but really ladies.. come on, put the claws away!! We are all trying our best, it would be a funny place, if we were all the same and i like to think that variety is the spice of life..
I do hate the way we judge one another quicker than offering support or praise. However i think that it is only human nature. When I find myself judging another mum I try and take a step back and say ‘ok that is not the way I would do it but it doesn’t make it wrong’. i also try and look again and see what I can learn from this mum. It might be not to do what they are doing but judging can highlight some positive behaviours too. I am lucky as I met a lovely group of mums just after my eldest was born and although we have parented in different ways this has meant we have swapped ideas and experiences and done what is best for us.
Reblogged this on The Web Presence of Anna Johnstone and commented:
Well worth thinking about!
Pingback: Blog of the Week – I’ll have motherhood with a large portion of judgment on the side… « The Web Presence of Anna Johnstone
I actually don’t judge others, not mums, not anybody. I treat people how I’d like to be treated, honestly. And if they want to judge me, that’s fine by me. The only people whose opinions really matter are mine and the people I care about.
I do agree its only natural to judge others and compare our likes and differences, i just wish we could all manage it abit more discreetly!.. I think some mums can be particularly cruel and judgmental, without knowing anything about someone, or caring to know.. Its a real shame. I think we should be much more supporting to one another, as at the end of the day, we are all, faced with the hardest job in the world..
As a mum I constantly feel I’m being judged and I hate it! Although I am 26 I look a lot younger and even walking down the street I feel people often look down their nose at me, the worst part is it makes me constantly defensive! Even my health visitor couldn’t contain her surprise that i had chosen to breastfeed and then that I cook all my own baby food. When I first went to a mum & baby group, I was told the young mum’s group was down the corridor! People assume I’m a single mum (I’m in a long term relationship) and I’m on benefits (I’m not)….why they assume all of this from just a young looking face, I don’t know!
just it does drive me a little crazy… I know the only opinions that matter are the people close to you that know you, but it does make life a little more of a grind when you feel your trying your best and are constantly being underestimated. Most of the time I try to make it motivate me to try harder!
anyway I don’t mean to rant
In all honesty I am probably guilty of judging other mums subconsciously, but I’m always aware that you cannot judge a book by its cover and if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about being a mum, is that everyone does it entirely differently!
Bless you Lara, try to brush it off and take no notice. I know sometimes its easier said than done. The thing that annoys me most, is the affect i hope “its not?!”.. having on my dd. As i would be much more inclined to have her friends around from school and her go to theirs, if it werent for some of the mums!!.. Keep your chin up and it sounds like your doing a superb job, so thumbs up chick and keep it up, take it on the chin!!
Thanks for this blog, its really interesting. I have a 4 month old & before I became a mum, I admit I judged a lot! I thought I will breast feed, I won’t give my kids junk, watch tv, etc. But since becoming a mum my attitude has changed a lot.
I found everything a lot harder than I thought, after 5 days of being in hospital & struggling to feed my son I went onto formula, I found having no sleep in the early days so much harder than I thought & generally just knowing what to do as there’s so much conflicting advice.
Now as a mum, I feel judged over lots of things – formula feeding my baby went out & about, using a dummy, putting my child into his own room at 2 months old (since then he slept much better) but I can honestly say I did all those things as I thought it was the best thing for my baby & wanted him to be happy & contented.
Now I try really hard not to judge – when my friend makes up all her formula milk in advance & stocks them in the fridge (when we’re told to make it fresh every time). When I hear of friends early weaning, or giving them a rusk in their bottle – I try really hard not to judge & just think to myself, well that’s not my way, but it doesn’t mean her way is wrong.
After all, who am I to say this is right & that is wrong. I dont know her baby or what’s best for them. And it really disheartens me when I read posts that mums have left judging other mums, we’re all in the same position, we’ve all experienced sleep deprivation & stress over whether we are making the right call, we all want to do what’s best for our kids.We should support each other & the last thing we need is other mums judging us!
Thank you for this tuthghoful post, which is making me reconsider some of my own thoughts. And I realise yet again how difficult being human is.
I’m not perfect but i’ve learnt not to judge! Unless you know the child and parent really well (and this is very rare) you just don’t understand enough about that dynamic to form a view. Every child, every parent and for that matter every day is different.